3 words I never thought hurt – Part 1

I’ve been thinking about this post for awhile. Not for any reason except I say these words to myself often. I realized I hear them all the time, too, but never stopped to really think about what they mean. As a writer, that’s a horrible state to be in. Not thinking about the meaning of words. It’s akin to walking naked into a coffee shop, ordering a hot latte, then proceeding to pour it all over yourself. You realize first that you’re naked, second that you’re in a coffee shop with lots of other folks, and third, it hurts.

It hurts more than normal.

Here are the words in a sentence, then I’ll break down what they mean to me in three #MondayBlogs.

Here it is –

I would, if I could and I should, but I won’t.

Would. Could. Should.

First up is Would.

Mirriam-Webster online definition states –

—used to indicate what someone said or thought about what was going to happen or be done

—used to talk about a possible situation that has not happened or that you are imagining

—used with have to talk about something that did not happen or was not done

I want to focus on the second and third definitions. How many times have I used the sentence, “I would do (x,y,z passion thing), but I have this (a,b,c not passion thing) to do first.”

“I would…, but….”

My world darkens as I think about it right now. It becomes dim, gray, and lifeless. Inside, I know, my soul yearns to do the passion thing. But I don’t do it. My excuses are just as varied as the sunrises and sunsets. Then the blame game starts. It’s who’sit’s fault, because they didn’t let me. It’s what’sits issue because they made me feel guilty.

My Grandma Blakney always said, “Be careful when you point a finger. There are three pointing back at you.”

I know it’s an excuse when I say it. “I would, but…”

I am a self-flagellating human being. In our society today, it’s normal to be that way. I’m not skinny enough, so I have to do this horrible binging and purging thing. I don’t look as young as I used to, so I have to use this or that cream, scrub, and injection to be young again.

Even healthy has become a self-flagellating experience.

How many times have I told myself, “I would eat healthy, but it’s so expensive. I would exercise, but it’s cold outside.” Knowing full well that they are excuses. To top it off, there so many advertisements that tell me the way to healthy is to buy this or that product. Those fuel my excuses.

But the truth is, it comes down to the word, “Would”. And it hurts.

My grandmother was full of deep wrinkles, earned in Depression Era hard labor. Her first and middle fingers were stained tobacco yellow and her teeth were Medicare approved inserts. Her hunched shoulders carried the weight of a lifetime of experiences no one, in this age, could understand.

But her eyes were sparkling merry sky blue mischief making portals to her happy soul. And in her later years, she was the wisest, most beautiful person I ever knew.

I would be like her.

Next Monday, I’ll talk about the word “Could”.

For now, tell me what you use “Would” for and how does it make you feel?