I’ve been thinking about this post for awhile. Not for any reason except I say these words to myself often. I realized I hear them all the time, too, but never stopped to really think about what they mean. As a writer, that’s a horrible state to be in. Not thinking about the meaning of words. It’s akin to walking naked into a coffee shop, ordering a hot latte, then proceeding to pour it all over yourself. You realize first that you’re naked, second that you’re in a coffee shop with lots of other folks, and third, it hurts.

It hurts more than normal.

Here are the words in a sentence, then I’ll break down what they mean to me in three #MondayBlogs.

Here it is –

I would, if I could and I should, but I won’t.

Would. Could. Should.

First up is Would.

Mirriam-Webster online definition states –

—used to indicate what someone said or thought about what was going to happen or be done

—used to talk about a possible situation that has not happened or that you are imagining

—used with have to talk about something that did not happen or was not done

I want to focus on the second and third definitions. How many times have I used the sentence, “I would do (x,y,z passion thing), but I have this (a,b,c not passion thing) to do first.”

“I would…, but….”

My world darkens as I think about it right now. It becomes dim, gray, and lifeless. Inside, I know, my soul yearns to do the passion thing. But I don’t do it. My excuses are just as varied as the sunrises and sunsets. Then the blame game starts. It’s who’sit’s fault, because they didn’t let me. It’s what’sits issue because they made me feel guilty.

My Grandma Blakney always said, “Be careful when you point a finger. There are three pointing back at you.”2015/01/img_1797.jpg

I know it’s an excuse when I say it. “I would, but…”

I am a self-flagellating human being. In our society today, it’s normal to be that way. I’m not skinny enough, so I have to do this horrible binging and purging thing. I don’t look as young as I used to, so I have to use this or that cream, scrub, and injection to be young again.

Even healthy has become a self-flagellating experience.

How many times have I told myself, “I would eat healthy, but it’s so expensive. I would exercise, but it’s cold outside.” Knowing full well that they are excuses. To top it off, there so many advertisements that tell me the way to healthy is to buy this or that product. Those fuel my excuses.

But the truth is, it comes down to the word, “Would”. And it hurts.

My grandmother was full of deep wrinkles, earned in Depression Era hard labor. Her first and middle fingers were stained tobacco yellow and her teeth were Medicare approved inserts. Her hunched shoulders carried the weight of a lifetime of experiences no one, in this age, could understand.

But her eyes were sparkling merry sky blue mischief making portals to her happy soul. And in her later years, she was the wisest, most beautiful person I ever knew.

I would be like her.

Next Monday, I’ll talk about the word “Could”.

For now, tell me what you use “Would” for and how does it make you feel?

Advertisements

Some very interesting predictions.  I wonder how they will turn out.  Mark is a very astute observer and I believe it will play out much as he says.

What are your feelings about Indies quitting in 2015?

It’s obvious the self publishing trend is slowing down, what do you think of his advice about time management and getting back to basics?

I want to know!

Smashwords: 2015 Book Publishing Industry Predictions: Slow Growth Presents Challenges and Opportunities.

My first NANOWRIMO I won and was very proud. It kickstarted my desire to write and gave me an amazing vehicle to meet an incredibly diverse set of wonderful friends. Fellow writers, if you will. I learned a lot in the last year.

I learned how to self-publish a book.

I learned how to survive being temporarily homeless.

I learned what’s important and what I’m willing to sacrifice for.

But I didn’t learn a very valuable lesson this last year. Until now.

This last month I learned a hugely valuable lesson that I needed to learn.

I learned how to lose at something you love to do.

IMG_1684.JPG

I didn’t finish the 50,000 word challenge this year. I don’t get the t-shirt.

But most of all, I don’t get the bragging rights.

That hurts. It hurts a lot.

You see, I’ve been on this discovery mission, this last year, and I thought I was doing pretty damned good. I have lots of accomplishments to claim. I guess you could say, I got cocky, sort of. I didn’t know I was cocky. But I guess I was.

See, there is a difference between confident and cocky. Confident, you know you can do it. Cocky, you think you can do it.

Confident is having the street cred to back up your demeanor. Cocky is blowing the horn before the last lap is run.

I thought I was confident. It turns out, I was cocky.

NANOWRIMO taught me that to be confident, you have to put in the blood, sweat, and tears.

You have to do it, even when no one is watching. That’s confidence.

So I lost NANOWRIMO, but in the end, I think I am a winner. Because the lesson is now learned. Once you see something, you can’t unsee it.

My confidence is back. I won’t let it get buried, again.

What did you do? Did you win NANO? what lesson did you learn from this last month?

This photo inspired this tiny flash fiction. Can you see what happened? How often do we tell the reader what we want them to see?
In truth, the picture is already in their head.

Enjoy.
M.

IMG_1648.JPG

Do you want to join The Ridge Falls Legion Newsletter?

Click on this link!  Opt in to be one of the Ridge Falls Legion


 

 

Excerpt from “Leather”

Posted: October 5, 2014 in Uncategorized

Excerpt from “Leather” Book 2 in The Ridge Falls Series

Brian’s hand landed sharply on his shoulder. “Hey, fridge magnet, are you gonna stare at yourself all day or are we gonna go inside?” Tanner swore his heart jumped out of his chest and was laying on the concrete, beating in the dust.

“Dude, you scared the shit out of me. Did you see that? In the window?”

“What, dozer boy, your ugly face? Yeah, I saw it. So what? Are you done jacking off?” Brian’s blue eyes glittered. “Wanna go in now? I think I see the open sign.” He cupped his hands on the huge window’s darkened glass.

“Um, I don’t know, Brian. Maybe we shouldn’t go in yet.” Tanner felt his knees weaken, remembering the teary plea in the eyes of his older self. He shivered again. “I don’t really feel that good. I don’t think I should have eaten that banana this morning.”

“Really, Tanner Sheehan? Are you bailing on me?.” Brian’s incredulous tone ended in a squeak, “Are you gonna chicken out? You make me get up early on a Saturday to race you down here, just so you can chicken out right before we go inside? You little fuck. What the hell, dude?”

Brian followed Tanner as he backed away from the store. “Honest, Brian, I’m really feeling sick to my stomach. I feel like I’m gonna puke.”

He turned and grabbed his bike, saying over his shoulder as he settled his foot on the pedal, “I’ll call you later, man. I really don’t feel so good.”

He raced away, feeling Brian’s consternation follow him. The words hung inside his mind as he pedaled “Don’t open the door.”

He didn’t see Brian turn back to the store front.

He didn’t see the ornate wooden door open invitingly.

He didn’t see his friend pause, look over his shoulder at him retreating, then shrug and walk into the store.

He didn’t see any of it and he never saw his friend Brian again.

The big bay window absorbed the light, reflecting darkness.

I’ve been asked by a good friend, Loni Townsend, to participate in a Blog Hop about why I write. I was inspired to join because I often wonder that same question.

As I sit in front of a blank page, these thoughts occasionally enter my mind….

What the hell do you think you are doing?

Where the hell do you think you’re going to set this story?

And the best one…

Why do I write? Why am I here? What is the purpose of putting myself through the tortuous process of vomiting words onto a paper, then cutting, rearranging, and generally dissecting the hell out of them until I give up in disgust and try to sell it?

Why, indeed. Here are the three reasons I have found that stick with me when I ask myself that question.

1. I write to tell a story. I love answering the question, “What if…” And writing it down is just as interesting.

2. I write because not writing has a negative effect on my life. My creativity has a way of coming out and if I don’t channel it, well, let’s just say that I’ve had enough addictions in my life to be a founding member of most anonymous groups.

3. I write because I am an empath. I have empathy for many experiences. I heard once that author’s write what they know. I think that’s bull-oney. There is no possible way we can experience all the things we write about. I would say that I have never experience tentacles wrapping around my body and sucking the life out of me. But I can pretty much empathize with the experience.

So those are the reason I write. I would love to hear from you and what your reasons are. Do you journal? Why do you journal? We all write, some of us just do it for a living.

And if you are interested in my writing, you can go check out my book. Into The Darkness for Kindle or here for the other formats.

I would love to hear what you think of it. You can leave a review or just contact me directly.

See ya on the flip side!

M.

IMG_1413.JPG

IMG_1347.JPG

You can get the book on Amazon here

For Kobo and other formats go here

If you are interested in reviewing the book for a free copy, please contact me below, on Facebook, or Twitter.

I’ll be writing again soon.

M.

11022013 193Yes, today is release day for my collaborative book with Troy Lambert.  I am excited to realize my dream of becoming an author.

I know we all say that if we write, we are writers, and this is true.  I know that’s what helped me keep moving forward, exactly what Kristen Lamb keeps saying.  We Are Not Alone.  We are writers.

But…

There is something about seeing your name on a cover.

There is something magical about going to Amazon, searching for your name, and seeing this:

This Is What It Looks Like

This Is What It Looks Like

It’s amazing.  It’s Magical.  It’s scary as hell.  Because now the responsibility kicks in.  I’m an author.  I have published a book and I plan on publishing a lot more!  And that’s scary.  All the what if’s come to play.

That’s why I posted that picture of my mother and my brother above.  My mother died of lung cancer a couple of years ago.  It took my life into a tailspin that only in the last year, I’ve been able to recover from.  But that’s another story.

I posted the picture of my brother and mother to remind me that life is short.  Happiness is fleeting.  But Joy, deep and lasting, soul filling joy can be found.  You just have to believe.  And trust me, sometimes it’s damned hard to do.

I dedicated this book to my brother, because, well, he deserved it.  He has been my best friend since I can remember.  He and I shared secrets and tears and everything I would imagine a best friend does.  He is my “Bud”.  And for the record, again, I really did NOT try to kill him while we were growing up.  It may have seemed that way, but, most of the time, I was right there with him, cheering on his courage (or naivete) to try the stories and adventures I came up with.  He is the strongest, most amazing man I’ve ever met.  We raised each other right.

 

SO, here are the links to my first book.  I look forward to hearing from you and I’m glad you’re coming with me on this journey.  We Are Not Alone.

And where we are going… that’s a VERY good thing.

Welcome to Ridge Falls.

It’s already too late.

Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00MPWXXGO

Smashwords: http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/467228

Please feel free to comment and share this post.  I would actually love to hear from you and gain new friends.

You all take care now,

M.

 

Launches 08/15/14

Launches 08/15/14